808s and Heartbreak

Its been a while. Mainly, because I had no words. I had no clear words. Have you ever been in a situation where you dont know what you want, who you want and you wouldnt know how to get what you wanted if you knew what it was? Ok if you didnt then, you dont feel me but everyone else...yea, thats how I feel. Alot has changed since I last wrote. My heart hurts less from the past and I've been showered with more love than any girl could want but I still feel heartless. I dont have a heart. Like the tin man didnt have a brain, I don't think I have a heart. If i do have one, it doesnt work. How do I know? Well, after dating, eventually two people usually have some type of connection and start to like each other. Im fine at this part.... but I am not phased by love or a lack there of. Too many times, I have liked someone, something happens that ends that relationship (mostly on the other end) and that is that. I am not shaken up, I am not perturbed, I simply do not care. I am numb to any possible feelings of rejection or hurt because I've experienced it so much in the past. Now I will admit that I like attention...affection but any else I feel I could do without. This is unfortunate because I want to love and the person who I feel that I could love (given the ideal situation) may never receive this love that I once could give.

Sometimes I think about what song would be playing if my life were a movie? Mine: Every track on 808s and heartbreaks. The thing is thought, that Im not mad or bitter and not blaming anyone in particular... Im just nonchalant about anything having to do with love. I don't care and I dont desire to experience anymore ups and downs. I just feel like my heart can't handle anything else....my emotions cant take anymore. Living at a steady pace feels best for me.